Keeping a close connection in your relationship

Do you feel that you and your spouse/ partner have drifted apart? This is one of the reasons that relationships flounder in today’s fast moving world.  Are you drifting in different directions? If so, what can you do to restore your former intimacy?

Your relationship is as important as any other facet of your life, so make time for it, and give it sustained effort – every day.  Here are some questions to ask yourself.

  • Are you absolutely absorbed by social media, phones and TV? Take time out from social media, and do the old fashioned thing – sit together and communicate. Listen with your ears, eyes and heart. Ban phone and IPad use in the bedroom. It’s the time to be fully present for each other.
  • Are you spending quality time together – just the two of you? Dedicate some time and do activities that you enjoy together. Make some time for regular dates.
  • Are you spending all your time on your children? Give your children adequate time, but remember that to keep the relationship strong, you need to focus on each other. The kids will be fine – but they need the stability of a family that stays together.
  • Do you take your partner for granted? Your family, kids and work are all important.   Do you attach the same importance to being fully present for your husband or wife? To feel appreciated your partner needs to feel prioritized and appreciated.
  • Do your parents, family and friends support your relationship? Negative outside influences can derail your relationship. Get rid of them.
  • Do you display affection to each other? Human touch is so important. Hugs, kisses and holding hands are a very important form of connection. Regular sex needs to happen to maintain intimacy.
  • Are you too focused on material things? The best things in life are free, but you can lose them by putting all your focus on “having things”.
  • Is your attention on what you can put into the marriage? We form relationships to satisfy our partner’s needs. Whose needs are you focussing on?
  • Are you showing your true self to your partner? Share goals, hopes, dreams, desires and fears to build that intimate space.
  • Are you concentrating on what makes your partner happy?   Connect during the day – either by phone or text, just to let them know that they are in your thoughts. Be kind and respectful.
  • Are you so consumed by work that you have to engage with work matters during your free time? Time to question work life and your priorities.

If you are looking for more inspiration, “Take back your Marriage” by William Doherty is a good read.

Is your teen struggling with self harm?

I think that being a parent of teens in 2017 can be quite terrifying. Never has the world been more connected and yet families are becoming more disconnected. Children are subject to many influences each day through social media. Trends spread like wildfire. In my experience, people cut for several reasons:

  • They do not have the coping skills for dealing with strong emotions
  • They may feel worthless and angry with themselves and therefore cut to release the pain
  • They may make mistakes and cut to punish themselves
  • Some feel emotionally numb and the pain from cutting is temporally stimulating
  • Their families are in turmoil and the cutting releases anxiety. They may be the ones that are showing stress because of what is going on in the family circle
  • They have periods of intense sadness and seem disconnected
  • There friends are doing it, so they try it and become almost addicted to the sensation and adrenaline rush

Primarily, cutting is a maladaptive response to emotional problems and should not be taken lightly. Your teenager could also be suffering from symptoms of depression and should be checked out by a mental health professional.  Cognitive behavioural therapy may help to change thoughts and behaviors.   Do not just hope that they will “grow out of it”.  They need to learn better coping skills and the matter should be immediately addressed.  With better coping skills, their symptoms can be remedied.

Keep the lines of communication open with your teen. Have open discussions with them.  Canvas their opinions.  Practice empathy. If you are cutting, talk to your parents and ask for their help.