A LOOK AT RELATIONSHIPS THAT WORK

There is a lot of information available about what can damage a relationship, but very little on what to do to have a good relationship.  These are some of the things I have noticed about couples in good relationships.

• They have open communication – they take time to talk about their relationship and ask what part they can play to make the other happier. They take turns to find out what the other needs. They have the courage to be open and truthful. Avoiding issues often leads to frustration and estrangement.  They practice constructive discussions. If you can’t discuss these issues without getting into arguments, have a one off session with a counsellor.  Inform him/her what the agenda is.
• They commit to the basic values underlying the relationship or the “relationship rules“. These mutual agreements are the foundation on which any relationship is built. They reach agreement on what is “kind” and “respectful”   and update these “rules” when new issues arise.   Think win = win.  I often have couples that come to counselling within the first year or two of getting married. Most of their issues arise because of a lack of discussion on basic values and how each sees the way forward.
• They try to feel their partner’s pain. They care about what hurts each other. Put yourself on the back burner and offer empathy, compassion and caring, even if it does not particularly resonate with you. Hopefully they will return the empathy when you need it.
• They try not to be selfish and endeavour to put their partner’s needs before their own. This can be a difficult one. After all, whose needs should come first? Sometimes we have to sacrifice our needs for what the other needs at the time.  Partners who love each other deeply constantly keep their mate’s needs in mind.  Unselfish emotional chivalry usually is rewarded in kind.
• They keep an emotional hotline open at all times. They are emotionally receptive and in times of trouble, offer emotional support and compassion, without expecting anything back.
• They are courageous and strong when needed. Let your partner know that you have got their back. Capitalize on each other’s strengths and your relationship will feel emotionally safe.
• They believe that their partner is committed to doing his/her best, even if sometimes it does not feel like it. Great couples believe that their partner is doing the best that they can under the circumstances. Trust each other’s good intentions instead of being critical.
• They do not kick the other when they are down. Be tuned into their failings and self-criticism and do your best to lift them up. Tell him/her what you love about them.
• They appreciate each other and keep in mind that the “now” is all there is. True security is often an illusion. Treasure each other and be thankful for their presence in your life.  Tell them!
• They keep confidentiality and honour individual boundaries to build trust. Keep your partner’s secrets for a lasting relationship. No one likes to feel betrayed.  If you are unsure about what can be shared, ask permission.  That is respectful.
• They validate their partner’s desires. You may have different needs at different times, and commit to being fair. Whether it is sexual frequency, external shared interests, family obligations, etc. Give in sometimes and give them the space that they need – when they need it.
• They practice resilience and commit to the relationship for the long haul. People in great relationships literally don’t want to lose each other. All relationships have some heartbreaks and ruptures, but the winners are those who navigate the speed bumps and let their partners know that they will not shut each other out.  They commit their energy to trying harder to work out their problems and keep the emotional connection alive.  Remember, change starts with you.[i]

[i][i] Thanks to Randi Gunther for her excellent article on the 14 secrets to having a great relationships – it inspired this blog.

What you can expect from your therapist

I often find that individuals enter therapy with certain worries.  They worry about the therapist judging them, perhaps telling them to do something that they don’t want to.  Often couples fear that the therapist may “tell them to get divorced”.

I do my best to dispel those fears, but I thought that it might be a good idea to explain the therapy process because there does not seem to be much education in that regard.  Most insights into the therapy process are gleaned from the experiences of friends and family.

First of all, according to Carl Rogers – it is the relationship between the therapist and patient that heals.  Not all patients can relate to a particular therapist, so it’s a good idea to go to the first session with that in mind.  If you do not relate, then look for another therapist.  Trained counsellors are aware of this fact and are quite open to recommending a colleague if you feel it could be a better  fit.  Nothing takes precedence over building a trusting relationship with the patient.  In fact, the effective therapist relates to the patient in a genuine, unconditionally supportive and empatic manner.  For a creative session to take place, the counsellor needs to abandon a position of certainty.  No therapist can predict the outcome of the therapy and needs to adopt a position of “not knowing”  or learning.  The patient is the expert on their lives, and the therapist functions more as a companion or guide than an expert.

In his memoir, Karl Jung, commented that therapist need sto invent a new therapy language for each patient.  I strongly agree, and often I will adopt the patient’s “language” to build a strong  connection.  We also may, at some point, as long as it is in the best interests of the patient, alsoreveal certain details of his/her personal life, in an effort to be authentic and genuine.  I often get complaints from patients who have found their therapist too removed, too remote.  I have never heard of a patient who complains that the therapist is too engaged, too interactive, too personal.

So we:

• Do show unconditional positive regard. That is the first step.
• Rarely give advice. Often sketch different scenarios, to illustrate alternatives to the patient.
• Don’t judge or take sides in a couple’s therapy session.
• become the partner on the journey in a safe, confidential space with the patient.
• Are bound to a strict code of ethics and confidentiality
• Can be objective as a patient sketches a scenario. We do not have an emotional investment in the outcome.
• Do enter the patient’s world, wholeheartedly, and provide a safe space where alternatives can be explored
• We enter the patient’s world where they are, go at their pace and collaborate with them to make the changes they desire.

 

 

 

 

How to become a more loving partner

Do you put as much effort into your relationship as you do in your work?

 We are in a relationship to fulfil the needs of our partner – not our own.  Do you ever think of that?  If your partner concentrates on your needs and you concentrate on his/her needs, then everybody should be happy.  Makes sense, doesn’t it!

However, much of the time we are in a “me, me me” frame of mind, focussing on what we need, want or long for.  Try switching this around and take some time to grasp what your partner feels and experiences when interacting with you.  Be kind and engage in behaviour that meets their wants and desires.  In fact, do you even know what your partner wants or desires?    Take the time to communicate and find out.

Listen; truly listen – with your ears, eyes and heart.  See that your partner feels heard and that what concerns him/her really concerns you.  We live in distracting times with a lot of sensory overload, so when listening, we need to tune out any distractions.

When your partner says that are not feeling well – how do you react?  Do you say “Oh, no, not again – or do you show some care and concern? Little acts of kindness can go a long way.  Just giving your partner a hug – or bringing them a cup of tea -can change the dynamic of your day and theirs too.  Try a little tenderness.

Don’t play tit for tat!  You do not have to win every argument.  Sometimes it is okay to say “it is more important for me to stay close to you and it is to win the argument”.  If you start feeling angry, take hold of yourself and calm down.  Next week, you may not even remember what the argument was about.

Above all, treat your partner as you would like to be treated – and if you are unsure of how they would like to be treated – ask them!

 

What makes relationships great?

In the course of my counselling career, I have often reflected on what makes relationships great.  Is it luck? is it good management? or does it all come down to consistent, loving effort?  Here are some things that I know will help:

• Be conscious and present.  Focus on your relationship, and everyday be conscious of trying to make that person happy.  Little things mean a lot……………………………………
• Make your home a happy, positive and emotionally comfortable living space.   Even if you are not feeling particularly upbeat, move into a positive gear when you get home.  It will rub off on others.
• Create meaning within your relationship.  What is the purpose of your relationship?  Do you have a mission statement?  Discuss join short and long term goals.  Create a family mission statement and strive towards those values.
• Reliability and responsibility go hand in hand to keep your relationship on an even keel.  Do what you say, keep your promises.  Brainstorm the “relationship rules” and commit to them. Don’t ignore your cellphone if your partner calls and you are out having a good time. If you can’t be home at the agreed time, send a sms to advise that you will be late.  It only takes a minute and puts your partner’s mind at rest.  If you make a mistake, acknowledge it and apologize.
• If you make a commitment – keep it.  Even small lapses of “forgetting” erodes the trust and causes doubt.  Tell the truth.
• Try to be understanding with regard to your partner’s stress and work concerns. Have conversations about motivation and the future.  Take time to listen, help him/her to grow and learn.  Give praise freely and often.  Respect their efforts and give your partner the space to grow within the relationship.
• Balance your work and home life.  Do not allow your work to intrude upon your private space. If you need time to unwind after a stressful day, ask for it.  When you are at home, be fully present with your partner.
• and finally -Make time for fun – surprise each other, keep a secret stash of small gifts that will raise their spirits.  Keep being spontaneous and your relationship will remain fresh and alive.

 

Why be mindful?

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. This involves thinking present tense, paying attention on purpose, being curious and being accepting of what is going on around you.

To train your brain to be mindful, you need to :

♦️Pay attention

♦️Focus on the feeling of your own breathing

♦️Be conscious of your thoughts and focus on what is most predominant in your awareness. For example, the sounds, sights, feelings, the weight of your body, and the rythm of your breathing.

♦️Acknowledge the awareness of the present moment, giving yourself space to heal, reducing stress, anxiety, intensity Of pain and feelings of depression.

Why is self knowledge useful?

According to the Indian Sage, Ramana Maharshi:
“Wanting to reform the world without discovering one’s Self is like trying to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and thorns. It is much simpler to wear shoes”

Colour Me Happy

We can decide to be happy? ? ….It’s a strange thought as we often depend on external things to make us feel happy.   Focus on a new thought “Happiness is a decision you make”

Consciously choose to be happy by making a habit of  the following things:

Rise and Shine

People who get up earlier are reported to have a higher overall life satisfaction.   Now that summer is here, I resolve to get up a bit earlier – do some yoga and some mindfulness meditation.  Time to unplug your mind and just be instead of doing.

Get your circulation going

Release those endorphins – get moving!  Jog, run, walk etc.  Our SA weather is great and there is no excuse to not get some fresh air.  Vitamin D is important too – so get some early morning rays before the sun gets too hot. You will feel good!

Get some social support and connect with friends – It’s bound to improve your mood

Release some oxytocin by connecting  or reconnecting with positive friends, who improve your life.  Chat, laugh, relate, empathize.

Find a therapist to dump on

If you have issues on your mind, find a caring, objective therapist who can create a safe space to explore your thoughts or give you some coaching to get you going.

Exercise or do gym at your best performance times

Check when your energy levels are at their peak, and do your gym or exercise then. As we all know, exercise helps assists with emotional regulation.  If you hate the gym, try putting in some earphones and playing some action music.  “I know that it gets me through the 20 minutes on the exercise bike”.

Say YES to things that enrich you and NO to the things that drain you.

Accept that you cannot be everything to everyone.  Set some personal and professional boundaries.  Are you working so hard  – because you are like a hamster on a treadmill  -or because you don’t know how to stop?

Get yourself a life coach who can examine your motivation and help you to focus on your work/life balance.

7. Look at your life from a grateful perspective

Sure – everyone has troubles in their lives . We are quick to complain and not so quick to take a minute and be grateful for our life circumstances.  Make a habit of practicing gratitude daily.   Fire your inner critic!

8. Practice the Best Self-Care for You.

Look at the things that make you happy and relaxed and add these to your daily habits – either listening to music, do some creative colouring in, watch a comedy show.

Make a concerted effort (now, today) to add some of the habits to your daily routine

Choosing mediation over litigation in the event of a divorce

Many couples who choose to divorce, may find themselves in a somewhat diminished situation when the proceedings are all over.   Although some need the expertise of lawyers, often well trained mediators can provide a somewhat cheaper alternative when discussing division of assets, maintenance and the compilation of a parenting plan. 

 Divorce mediation provides a less costly and more civil alternative to separation or divorce.

• Solutions sought in mediation take into account the needs of all family members and aims for a win-win situation to an often emotion filled negotiation.
• As both parties are involved in the decisions, they are more likely to uphold their agreements.
• It is a future orientated process, with little focus on the past and full focus on the present and future.

The more important aspects of mediation are:

• It is non-adversarial – both parties are fully involved with any decisions made
• It is mutual – if there is not mutual agreement, the process does not work
• It is empowering – Each member controls all the decisions of his or her life. Usually drawn from the Psychology and Legal Profession, trained mediators ensure that the parties remain focused, confidentiality is maintained and communication remains positive. They assist with the exploration of alternative solutions, while providing up to date information and moving the process to a fair outcome.

Mediation is said to be successful if:

• There is full disclosure of all relevant facts
• The outcome meets the joint and individual needs of all parties involved
• There are no victims as a result of the agreement
• Channels of communication have been open and direct
• The parties have made empowered decisions and demonstrated negotiation skills.
• The process is unhurried and the mediators draw up an agenda reflecting the concerns of both parties.

Stage one:

Initial contact, explanation of the process and creating trust, explaining and setting ground rules and contracting for mediation.  The couple will sign a full agreement to mediate at this stage and an agenda will be set for future sessions.

Stage two:

The agenda will be agreed upon and relevant information, such as proof of income and assets will be collected.  Often a child interview will be conducted at this stage (by a qualified counsellor) to ascertain how the children understand the process of divorce and they are also given an opportunity to express their wishes.

Stage three:

The parties involved will clarify their positions and be guided into generating options.

Stage four:

Here the parties involved negotiate and make decisions.  These decisions are not binding until a Memorandum of Understanding has been signed.

Stage five:

The process culminates with the writing up, and signing of, the Memorandum of Understanding and a Parenting Plan.  Having agreed on all decisions, the parties are then free to take this to an attorney of their choice to be converted into a final divorce document and to legally end the marriage.

Mediation is therefore, voluntary, self-empowering, goal directed, non-adversarial, mutual, and confidential and provides a cost effective way of ensuring that all parties concerned can separate with the confidence that an optimal agreement has been reached.  Parties may return to mediation at any time to made amendments to the parenting plan or maintenance agreement knowing that they have a means of problem solving for the future.

Further information can be obtained from:

Carol Nader. 0117873486  carolnadercounselling.co.za

The South African Association of Mediators website (SAAM). www.saam.org.za

Readings:

John Haynes (1989): A guide to Divorce Mediation: Haynes Mediation Associates.

www.mediate.com/articles/saporo.cfm

Jacqueline B Meyerowitz (1995): Unisa Department of Social Work, Study Guide 2, Marriage Guidance and Counselling. 1995.  Revised July 2010

link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1023%2FA%3A1021647526096.pdf

THAT ELUSIVE HAPPINESS………..

True happiness is much more than just a burst of dopamine – it is a jumble of positive feelings and is often described as a sense of peace and a feeling of contentment.  A sort of “wanting what we have feeling”.   Not everybody is born with a “sunny” personality, but we all can learn to bring more meaning and satisfaction into our lives.

Often clients sit opposite me and ask the same question “what can I do to be happy”?  This question and the feeling of helplessness it evokes in me have led me to do some research on happy people.  Here are some of the facts that research shows:

• Happy people allow pleasure and purpose to work together.  Happy people know that enjoying momentary indulgences such as playing with a baby, vegging out on the couch, or reading a great book is important to living a satisfying life.  They do take time out in their busy schedule to “sharpen the saw”.
• Happy people opt for seeing the forest but not the trees.  It is said that satisfied people are less critical and detail oriented.  They tend to be open to strangers and are uncritical of others.  In short they don’t overthink things.  Paying attention to detail is good but “sweating the small stuff” often is emotionally draining.   Happy people may frequently possess a “devil-may-care” attitude about their performance – as concentrating on the minutiae can lead to decision paralysis.
• Happy people view anxiety as an optimal state.  To sustain happiness is not only doing the things that you love, but pushing the boundaries, to grow and adventure beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone.  To put it simply, happy people are curious.  Although wondering into the realm of “not knowing” can be anxiety producing – curious people know that sometimes being out of your comfort zone is the most direct route to learning new lessons and gaining a sense of mastery.  Happy people opt for the familiar loved routines and having novel experiences.
• Happy people celebrate others’ good fortune.  In the workplace, social support has been found to be the biggest predictor of happiness at work. The happiest people share in the good fortune of others wholeheartedly, and bask in the glow when their own achievements are reflected back at them.    Research has found that discussing a positive experience with a responsive friend actually changes the memory of the event.  Equally important is that you will feel uplifted by your friend’s positive experience. Happy people have the ability to listen mindfully and put their own concerns/emotions aside.
• Happy people don’t hide from negative emotions.  They view them as part of life, confront them head on – either standing up for themselves, letting it “roll off their backs “– or accepting responsibility and making some changes to their behaviour.
• People do differ in their happiness matrices – some will find happiness in social belonging and doing things for others – while others prize a sense of mastery and achievement.  But all agree that a life well lived is more than just feeling up – it is a mixture of feeling content, occasional sadness,  a sense of purpose, playfulness and psychological flexibility, and includes control over one’s life, a sense of belonging and feeling loved.

In short, to visualize a happy person’s stance, one foot will be rooted in the present, with mindful appreciation of what one has – and the other foot reaching for the yet-to-be uncovered sources of meaning in the future.

Sources and further reading: 

“Your best life now”  Joel Osteen (2004)

“Happiness” Richard O Connor (2009)

“The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People”.  Stephen Covey. (1989)

“What happy people do differently” Psychology Today. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201306/what-happy-people-do-differently. 8.8.2013

Energize your Relationship – Have a Conscious Marriage

In the course of a relationship, some of the things that attracted you about your partner can become irritants. Marriages go through dips and peaks, and without realizing it, we focus on negatives and forget about having  a Conscious Relationship.  Here are some tips to energize your relationships:

• Use I messages if you are experiencing annoyance.  Rather start your sentence with “I would be happy if…….. “Or “I was thinking about bringing this up and do not want to hurt you…….”  Ask for what you need, but in a kind way.
• After discussing the relevant issues, take a break from the “hot issues” or visit a counsellor who can facilitate the discussion and stop it turning into the same old argument.
• Have you forgotten about “Date Night” – planning something fun that you would enjoy together – just the two of you?  (Your kids would rather have two happy parents who take some time for themselves)Don’t use this time to argue about old issues – they belong somewhere else.
• Perhaps listen to your partner’s views on topics that interest both of you – you probably have forgotten how to listen – with your ears, eyes and heart.  Remember what you found interesting about them in the first place.
• Focus on what attracted you to the person in the beginning.   Remember what sparked the romance.  You are still married to that person – you have just forgotten to notice.
• Engage in a new activity together – something that you would both enjoy.  Start aerobic walking, purchase some cycles; hire some old movies that you used to enjoy.  Keep it up and you will re-find your best friend.
• Concentrate on making your partner happy.  Do something that will make him/her happy.  Cook a favourite meal, surprise him by watching the rugby  with him even though it bores you. Watch those old episodes of Downton Abby with her.
• Everybody has some baggage.  As my mom used to say “Rather stick to the devil you know than the devil you don’t”.  Work out what are serious issues for you, address them – and let go of the issues that are not.
• Why do you always have to be right?  Does it matter?  – You can decide to be happy to this time.
• Consult with a professional relationship counsellor.  They are able to be objective – see both sides of the question, and can mediate on most issues.

Sourced from http:goodmenproject.com

Do you suffer from Anxiety?

Most of us, at different times of our lives, experience some anxiety.  It often can be productive, such as anxiety before an important exam, which puts us into high alert, but does not immobilize us.  Anxiety really only becomes a problem when it affects our quality of life.

Here are some tips to control your anxiety and not let it take over your life:

Start by making a list of situations that make you feel ill at ease and which you would prefer to avoid.  Becoming aware of what is causing your anxiety is the first step to reducing it. Write down the bodily sensations that you experience during an anxious episode; e.g. racing heart, insomnia, etc.

Try to figure out what is really bothering you.  Is it some kind of conflict that you are avoiding? Or do you have ridiculous expectations of yourself?

Once you have decided and focused on what is bothering you give yourself permission to feel anxious.  Dwelling on not feeling anxious can make you feel worse.

Make a decision tree, using branches for the good and bad stuff.  The situation may not look as scary as you imagine if you commit something to paper.

Use positive self-talk to move past anxiety.  Go about whatever you are doing until it passes. Practicing Mindfulness helps.  Other techniques to try to diminish anxiety are drawing, painting and varnishing furniture or colouring in for adults (a new craze) crocheting or needlework – these focus the mind, and calm the soul.  If all else fails do something productive and utilize the increased energy while you have it.  At least you will have some tidy drawers!

Try to see some humour in the situation – it will help you cope and may diminish the symptoms.