Do you feel heard in your relationship? Perhaps its starts with you?

Do you feel heard in your relationship?  Are you listening to your spouse when they talk to you – with ears, eyes, and heart? or are you waiting to be understood first before you make an effort. We expect to be heard by our partner, but because he/she doesn’t make you feel heard – you don’t listen either. The only behaviour we can change is our own!

• Stop – leave the remote, drop your phone – turn to your partner and really listen.  You don’t have to fix their feelings; most people just want to feel “heard”.  So just listen, maybe repeat what they have said as in “I heard you say that you are feeling……………………………”
• Don’t trivialize their feelings – there feelings are valid as they are “their feelings” – even if you feel they are ridiculous.  Remember “seek first to understand, then to be understood” in 7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Steven Covey.
• Avoid one upping.  It’s not a competition!  If they share that they are feeling overwhelmed – try to understand, instead of saying – “So you think you are overwhelmed – what about me?”  It’s about them – not you.  Ask how you can help – show empathy but don’t try to fix – only if they ask for your help. Otherwise, be that shoulder to lean on.
• Let go of whether you agree with them – or not.  It’s not about you. Your partner’s feelings are real to them, whether you agree with them or not. Instead of focusing on your own feelings about the situation, lean into empathy and acknowledge the realness of their emotions.
• Pay attention.  This will make them feel that they are special and that their feelings matter. If you’ve ever been sharing something and the person you were talking to wasn’t truly paying attention, then you know how insignificant that can make you feel. On the flip side, when someone is treating you like the centre of the universe when you’re talking, you feel seen and heard. Strive to make this the norm with your spouse.
• Ask questions. Show genuine interest in why they feel the way they do. Show interest and ask questions to better understand their feelings and what’s behind them. Your tone of voice and body language is important here so as not to come off critical or that you’re making them justify their feelings. You might say something like, “How do you feel about that?” Showing that you really care about the details of what they’re going through seems trivia, but it makes a huge difference.

Feeling validated in your marriage is crucial for being your best self and partner. This creates a space in which you both feel loved, appreciated and supported. Try these few tips, and you will notice the difference.

Some reasons to go to Couple’s Therapy

Couples who decide to go to a relationship counsellor for assistance are being proactive and value their relationship!

Life Transitions – such as having a baby, relocating or moving. A few therapy sessions can assist you to navigate these changes smoothly. Easy to focus on the problems at hand and forget to lean on each other.

Feeling emotionally distant with each other? Therapy can assist you to identify root causes and help you to get reconnected. Physical distance can also be quite challenging. I find that most of the couples I see for therapy have disconnected in some way – it’s a horrible feeling!

Recovering from dishonesty and infidelity, therapy can help you to navigate these issues and reconnect again. These issues burst your safety bubble and you find yourself flying in different directions trying desperately to feel safe again.

Has your communication broken down? Therapy provides tools for improving your communication. Remember how you used to communicate when you first met? Learn to connect in that way again!

Conflicts – are you arguing a lot? Trained couple therapists can help you to argue constructively and put permanent solutions in place. We did not learn how to resolve conflict at school – we should have.

Getting married soon? The prepare and enrich pre-marital course ensures that both partners align on important issues and have discussions involving financial management and expectations.

Is your sex life getting stale and you are having intimacy issues? Discuss this in a confidential space. Intimacy should be fun – not a chore.

Personal Growth – therapy can help partners grow individually and have discussions to strengthen their relationship and feel aligned. We seldom grow at the same rate in a relationship.

Call Carol Nader on 27836752828 or visit carolnadertherapy.co.za to book a confidential session.